They say 60 is the new 40. I’m not so sure about that, but I’ll admit, 37 felt very different from 57.
Somehow, saying that number out loud forces you to pause for a second.
Not because 57 sounds old.
Because it doesn’t.
But because when you look back, you suddenly realize how quickly the years slip away.
I thought I knew it all at 37.
The challenges of life. Marriage. Parenting. Joy. Heartache. Failure. Success.
Natalie and I had spent the previous few years working to help build a new United Methodist church. After about a year, we felt directed by God to leave everything behind, go to seminary, and enter full-time ministry.
By 37, I thought I knew what direction I was headed.
In many ways, I knew nothing.
Looking back, I can laugh about that.
Not because it’s funny to learn lessons the hard way, but because the best lessons in life are often learned by loving people well and allowing life to mold and shape us along the way.
The lessons I wish I had known at 37 aren’t found in a book.
They were learned through years of loving others, going deeper in friendships, losing some shallow relationships, making mistakes, fighting disappointment, starting over, watching God open doors, and wondering why He closed others.
If I could sit down over coffee with the 37-year-old version of myself, here are 10 things I wish I had known.
1. You Don’t Have to Have It All Together
As a 37-year-old, I wanted answers.
I wanted to know where I would be in five years. I wanted to know what ministry would look like, what our family would look like, where we would live, what opportunities would arise, and what challenges we would face.
Faith doesn’t work like that, though.
Some days, God will give you a map. Other days, He only gives you enough light for the next step.
Over the years, I have learned to be okay with not having it all together.
I’ve discovered that some days I think I’m standing in the middle of a dead end, only to discover down the road that God was simply redirecting my steps.
If you find yourself in a season of life where you can’t see what’s next, it doesn’t mean that God has abandoned you.
Sometimes it just means He is asking you to trust Him one step at a time.
2. Not Everyone Has to Like You
This took me far too long to figure out.
If you spend your entire life trying to please everyone, making sure everyone understands your heart, your motives, and your decisions, you will spend your entire life exhausted by a battle you cannot win.
People will always perceive you through the lens of their own experiences, disappointments, expectations, and assumptions.
Some will misunderstand you.
Some will criticize you.
Some will talk about you behind your back.
And sometimes, if we’re honest, some of the criticism you receive might be valid.
Listen.
Learn from criticism when necessary.
Apologize when you’re wrong.
Make it right when you can.
Then walk away from the rest.
Jesus was misunderstood, too.
Well, that’s enough of that.
3. Success Looks Different Than You Think
Success looks like status when you’re young.
Position. Influence. Accomplishments. Money. Recognition. People knowing your name.
The older I get, the less I care about those things.
And the more I care about what truly matters.
I have watched people achieve every goal they set their minds to and still be unbelievably unhappy.
I have seen people with next to nothing cheerfully give away everything they had.
I have watched “ordinary” people change the lives of others without ever being recognized by the world.
Success is not what others define it to be.
Success is making a difference.
And sometimes, the people you make the biggest difference for will never know.
4. Your Family Is Worth Your Time
Everything else can be replaced.
A job.
Opportunities.
Church.
Money.
But the time your children spend growing up and the moments you have with the people you love can never be replaced.
If you had told me that when I was 37, I would have laughed.
But nothing else in life is quite as important.
And when you look back, you quickly realize how fast it all goes.
Treasure every moment.
5. Be Kinder Than Necessary
I have mentioned this to others before, but spend enough time around people, and you will realize that we only ever know part of the story.
The person who rubs you the wrong way is usually fighting a battle you know nothing about.
The person who is angry may be afraid.
The bitter person was once hurt.
And the people who disappoint you probably disappoint themselves the most.
It doesn’t excuse unhealthy behavior.
But it should give us a reason to pause before we react.
Everyone could use more kindness.
A phone call.
A note.
An encouraging text.
A few extra minutes listening to someone.
Sometimes the smallest things mean the most to others.
Plus, it never hurts to give people the benefit of the doubt.
6. Starting Over Is Never the End of the Story
If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice, it would be this:
Starting over doesn’t mean you failed.
Sometimes it’s simply an act of obedience.
There have been times in my life when I didn’t understand why things were happening until later.
Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.
If I could have seen God’s view back then, I would have realized that some of the things I was fighting to hold onto were the very things He was asking me to release.
Starting over is scary.
But sometimes starting over is starting exactly where we need to be.
Abraham had to leave.
Moses had to go.
Peter had to start over after denying Jesus.
Paul’s entire life started over.
Starting over is not the end of the story.
It just might be where God is leading you to start the next chapter.
7. Forgiveness Will Set You Free
Honestly, I probably should have put this first.
Forgiveness is one of those things I have spoken about for years, yet still had to learn for myself.
Forgiveness doesn’t ignore pain.
It doesn’t mean we excuse poor behavior.
And it doesn’t mean there still shouldn’t be consequences.
But forgiveness does allow us to refuse to let someone else’s behavior control our hearts any longer.
We carry around far too many hurts that God never intends for us to drag around for years.
8. Protect Your Joy
Let things go.
Not everyone deserves your time.
Not every argument is worth letting steal your peace.
Not every criticism deserves a response.
Some people are just bent on trying to steal your joy.
Let them go.
The older I get, the fewer pointless arguments I want.
There are too many good things in life to spend our limited time fighting battles that don’t matter.
9. Pay Attention to the People God Places in Your Life
Some people are in our lives for a season, others for a reason, and still others for a lifetime.
But every once in a while, God allows someone to enter your life who completely changes your story.
Don’t take them for granted.
Tell them you love them.
Let them know they matter while you have the opportunity.
We are far too good at assuming there will always be another day.
Sometimes there isn’t.
10. Trust God With the Story
This was the biggest lesson of all for me.
I used to have plans.
Big plans.
God was fine with that.
He still is.
But in my 20s and 30s, my plans didn’t allow much room for Him.
Now I don’t need to know what’s around every corner.
I can dream.
Work hard.
And continue to believe God has great things ahead.
But I can leave the plans up to Him.
Because I have lived long enough to look back and see His fingerprints all over my story in places where I couldn’t see Him at the time.
Prayers I thought went unanswered.
Doors I thought should have opened.
Disappointments I could not understand.
But one thing I know…
God never changes.
And if you live long enough, you learn to find greater peace in the questions you don’t have answers for.
I don’t know what my next chapter will look like.
But I know who holds the pen.
And at 57, that’s all I need.
What I Would Tell My 37-Year-Old Self
Slow down.
Love others well.
Don’t fear the unknown.
Accept that people—often the very ones who will betray you—will disappoint you.
Offer grace when grace is difficult to offer.
And don’t spend your life trying to impress people.
Keep walking with Him, even when you can’t see what He’s doing.
Because the road gets longer every year, but it’s so much more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.
And for that, I’m thankful for every mile.
Remember that I love you.
In Christ,
James